Category: Most of the old stuff

Wowsers, it’s been ages. I feel bad, I really do. And, instead of rehashing everything that’s been going on since I last posted (excluding quiz stuff, I mean a real post *winks*) let me just say, I’ve moved to a new place and am still in major unpacking/organizing mode. So, give me a few days to catch up and spend the last day and a half with S (he goes back to Japan on Thurs. morning) and I’m sure I’ll be back – better then ever!

I have a few ideas for creative changes to my domain, an idea to expand a current area into something all by itself (anyone who follows my “Remi-isms” will be happy to know she’s getting a new area devoted to her movie/TV critiques *grins* I also have several short story starts – nothing ready to be posted online yet, though.

Soooo, back to unpacking!

I just got off the phone with my Mom. I shared with her, what I’m saying here now – so Mom was the first to know about it.

About 2 weeks ago I had to buy a new battery for S’s second car, the Honda Accord he purchased for my use (and to take ‘pressure’ off the Eclipse.) While outside sitting in line, waiting to have the battery tested, I noticed a young man who literally took my breath away – he could have been John’s twin. I sat there, forcifully composing myself and sending mental orders, “Don’t let him take care of me. Not him, anyone but him.”

A pleasant young fellow came over and did the test, confirming I needed the battery (and that the alternator was okay) so I OK’d the battery replacement and went inside to finish my shopping and wait for the car to be finished.

As things would have it, most of the others in the car service waiting area finished up and left. I believe there was one other guy there when the John look-alike walked in and called my name. When he looked at me, it just kind of hit me hard; my grief overwhelmed me and I burst into tears . . . and then, the music Wal-Mart pipes in, Sarah Mclachlan’s song, “I Will Remember You” began playing. The song had been played at John’s funeral and I used it on his tribute page. . . . I began crying so hard, so uncontrollably, I know I must have scared those present, I fell to the ground. Collapsed, really. Just sobbing, my eyes on the young man – he looked so concerned, and yes, confused.

A manager ran to me, assisted me to my feet and asked what was wrong . . . I haltingly told him, the young man could have been my youngest son’s twin, and that he had committed suicide a month ago, sobbing harder, I tried to explain when this song – which had played at the funeral – came over the sound system, it was all too much for me to bear. Especially when I glanced at the young man’s name tag. His name was John.

I kept apologizing for making a scene and tried to compose myself. John walked a few steps closer to me and said, “Mrs.(my last name)?”

I looked at him. I felt like I was drowning in his eyes as he said, “Mom, say goodbye. . . .”

I sobbed harder as we hugged each other and I whispered, “I’m so sorry John . . . so sorry. . . .”

Part of me knew, was aware – this wasn’t my son but a very wonderful, caring and wise young stranger; was aware I was the cause of a scene – and I hate public scenes; yet another part of me truly felt, I held my John for one last second before he left.

I haven’t been able to voice that incident before this. It held some cathartic relief – yet left me feeling ‘blah‘ at the same time.

Last Sunday I left Camelot Dreams. Today, I’m beginning my spiritual studies once again. There is a hollowness that needs to be filled.

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I originally posted the above on August 3 (today is the 6th). I’m editing the post only to comment – yesterday I dyed my hair. For the first time in 8 years, I’m no longer a redhead, but a brunette again. I chose to edit the post simply because, I didn’t want the above incident archived. Not yet.

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Still not ready for this one to be archived, sorry. It’s now the 9th, 2:30a.m. I just finally added the ‘comment’ feature to my blog. . . . That’s all I have to say for now – other then, I am finally getting some interest in updating again and have updated my ‘Clubhouse’ area (see link to left) and am working on a brand new area called ‘Playhouse.’ So far, only a ‘holder’ page created online, but busily working on pages to be uploaded later.

I feel lost, confused – sad, overwhelmed and over burdened. I’m depressed – even though I actually refuse to admit it; yes, I know that’s a conflicting statement. And yet – a part of me knows and understands this deep sorrow is a true depression, but another part of me refuses to give in to it.

It’s not the JJ – Spring crap — although I’m sure it is contributing to it. No, it’s much worse then that. Guess I need to just say it. On June 6th, my youngest son, John, committed suicide.

S flew my Mom in and rented a van to take all of us to John’s funeral in South Carolina. He’s such a wonderful man, so attentive and thoughtful – he’s my rock. He gave me time to fall apart and start the grieving process, and he remained strong and dealt with everything. On the drive there, all I could think was – this is one helluva first meeting with my new daughter-in-law. You see, John had only been married less then a year – actually only 7 months.

And now, a little over a month later, why, John – why did you do it? keeps popping into my head.

I’ve been trying to work on a tribute, of sorts, for John. I’m using the Sarah McLachlan song, “I Will Remember You”, as it was part of his funeral service and seems so fitting. You can see it here – and be warned, it’s roughly a 4 minute download for a 56k modem connection. I’ve never made a movie this big before and it’s confusing and sad and leaves me feeling a whole gamut of emotions. So I walk away from it and watch movies or play games on my PlayStation2. I’m barely keeping up with my duties at Camelot Dreams – I’m on LoA from Designed By Women, but was actually due back a few weeks ago. I remember to check my email only a few times a week.

My left thumb is swollen from all the time I’ve spent on my PS2. I know one of the symptoms of depression is sleeping a lot . . . wonder if playing Harry Potter Quidditch World Tournament could be considered a substitue for the sleep symptom of depression . . . ?

Thoughts come to mind, so fleeting – and then they’re gone. Other then the HP game, this is literally the longest I’ve spent on something, since John’s death.

Nutshell first, details later – I’m tired. Drained from the arguements – this all happened around 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. S is home from Japan, and he was bearing gifts for Spring and Destiny (Destiny looked sooooo adorable in her little pink kimono!) so Spring came by for an hour or so visit, last night. Destiny had fun playing with S and opening her gifts. . . JJ came to pick them up. S and I were ‘aquaintance-polite’ towards JJ – honestly, it’s more then he deserves, but, it’s how we treat him. Me, trying to keep peace, S, mainly out of respect for me.

About an hour or so after they’d left, Spring phoned. She asked S if she could borrow money, saying she was being kicked out and needed to rent an efficiency hotel room for them to stay in, and that she was broke. He was uncomfortable, being placed on the block, essentially, and gave me the phone. Spring was crying and told me about an arguement she had had with Heather (sister-in-law, she’s been staying with Mark & Heather for a couple of weeks now) that ended up with Heather stating she wanted them out of her home, and she asked me for money. I told her honestly, it’s the end of the month, my check isn’t deposited and available for my use until the first, and that I simply didn’t have it. So she asked me about S – firstly, the money he earns for his work, is not mine to spread around, it’s his. So I told her a partial truth – he’s paid in yen and it takes time to convert to American cash, so he didn’t have it either. Actually, the conversion took less then a half hour, but more importantly – supporting Spring’s household isn’t his responsibility; he’s already doing more then his fair share, by helping to support me.

K, the rest gets a bit screwier, cause I got so angry, I’ve forgotten/blocked/ignored what happened next, but basically, I heard JJ in the background demanding to talk to me. He gets on the phone and starts yelling at me! Just attacks, period, and telling me I don’t love my daughter and I’ve never helped her and something about it being my responsibility – I’m like, excuse me??? He called me a name – a bitch, or something, I just don’t honestly remember now cause I was already at my boiling point. I said something like, this is not my responsibility, she’s your wife – if you’d get a job (he’s screaming at me and trying to talk over me, too) and keep a job, you wouldn’t be in this position, you son of a bitch Incredulous tone from him, that I dared call him a son of a bitch, and he starts screaming louder about this being my fault and more, till I blew up and just shouted fuck you! and hung up on his ass. S sees me shaking and pissed and I’m starting to tell him about the call, when JJ phones back. S answered the phone.

JJ started off somewhat polite and asked S if he had a problem with him too, S still doesn’t have the full story – when now the moron verbally attacks S (same stuff, it’s his and my fault he and Spring are being kicked out, have no money, etc.) except S has experience dealing with assholes like this (i.e. – my ex-louse *winks*) and is able to talk just as fast and louder then JJ. . . JJ threatens to drive out here – S told him to bring it on, he’d love to kick his ass. . . S kept telling him to shut the fuck up and listen, and told JJ in no uncertain terms – if he’d bother to act responsible and get a job and keep it and quit calling off sick while still on probation, he wouldn’t be in this position; moreover, he had nothing to do with creating Destiny, or their marriage, and was in no way responsible for anything to do with their lives. Sometime during this shouting match, JJ ‘threatened’ S with taking Spring & Destiny and making sure we’d never see them again. S told him to do what he had to do. He also told JJ that if he ever called me a name, yelled at me or was rude like that to me ever again, he’d hunt him down and whip his ass, that I didn’t deserve that treatment and I was no more responsible for the predictament they’re in, then he himself, was/is. JJ ended up hanging up on S. Then Spring phoned back about 15 minutes later and apologized for JJ’s behavior – S told her he didn’t accept, that it was up to JJ to finally be a man and own up to his own actions. She begged him for money – he told her absolutely no, he was not supporting her or her family, period. She was crying and tried to say if Destiny was removed from her custory due to no housing, it’d be his fault – he calmly explained to her the same thing he told JJ earlier – he has no responsibilities as far as her family is concerned, that she should wise up and leave JJ , pointing out how she had actually started saving money before he came back again, that Mark & Heather didn’t have a problem with her and Destiny staying with them (rent free, mind you) – until JJ came into the picture.

He told her he wasn’t trying to tell her how to live her life, but as she is fond of saying, she’s an adult and can run her own life – he said part of that is taking the consequences along with the decisions she makes, and that no one – including JJ’s own family – was willing to help her when the fat son of a bitch refused to even try to work and support himself.

I don’t know when – or if – I’ll ever see Destiny, again.

I needed to make some kind of record on this, the fact that JJ verbally attacked first me, and then S; the fact that JJ tried to ‘call S out’ and fight – I know he’s too damn chicken to physically fight S. However, I honestly believe he’d take the cowards way of battling, and could try to do something destructive to the Eclipse, knowing how much it means to S. So on the record – there are no dents or dings on the car; there are 2 minor scratches, one on each door, that can be buffed out (someone opened their own vehicle door and bumped the Eclipse) and there is one ‘deep’ (i.e. to the primer) scratch on the passenger front fender. All tires are in decent shape and all windows are whole and in good repair. In other words, the car is in damn good to excellent condition.

Dammit, I don’t even need this drama bullshit in my life. They’re both so wanting to blame everyone else for their poor decisions and resulting predictament, and don’t bother to think what they do to anyone else, the fact that my health still isn’t the greatest since I got so sick (the pollen thing) and that Spring has been phoning me almost daily, adding more and more stress on me. They just feel the world ‘owes’ them and they’re being treated unfairly. Dammit, I’m done.

What LoTR Character Are You?

You are most like Frodo. You’re very friendly, and you have a great personality. Although you like to have fun, you can also be pretty serious at times. It’s pretty hard to get you mad, but once you’re mad…everybody better look out! Keep that temper under control and realize that you’re better off than you may think.

Hmm, accurate enough, I s’poze. Been busy with, life – reason for no recent updates. Battling with some, hmm, inner demons (close enough but not quite right at same time, just hard to put into words), as well.

Such is life, eh?

Last night, after watching “Charmed,” I saw a commercial I’ve probably seen a hundred or more times in the last several months. The commercial made me realize – I’m depressed.

It kind of caught me by surprise – yet seemed obvious at the same time. I have no energy, am tired – no, exhausted, all the time. Even now, after only being up for under 4 hours and not doing anything strenuous or anything (email, walk dogs, some paperwork and visited some sites/played games) I’m tired and seriously wanting a nap. Now, Mom – at last conversation – thinks my tiredness is due to still recovering from the serious allergic reaction I had to the pollen, this year. I don’t know, maybe it is. But at the same time, I’m loosing interest in things I’ve greatly enjoyed doing for some time. I quit WOSIB because I fell behind in my Creators assignments and felt too overwhelmed to try and create any of the projects. . . I don’t look forward to doing anything with Camelot Dreams, in fact, find myself waiting till the absolute last minute to do my required work. . . my temper is off and I feel resentful over things that normally wouldn’t bother me in the least which makes me mad – a Catch 22, really.

I can’t really judge anything by sleep, as I’ve always had insomnia – yet, I do recall being able to stay up for 36 or more hours before really needing sleep, catching 3-4 hours then starting all over again. And don’t think it’s changing because I’m getting older – I’m describing my sleep pattern from as little as 6 months ago. Yeah, age changed things – I use to be able to stay up for 3-4 days before absolutely needing my 3-4 hours sleep; now, it’s 2-3 days. Or rather, 6 months ago it was.

Same goes for appetite – I still only eat my 1 meal a day. Sometimes I’m starving by the time I make my food – other times, I have to remind myself to eat; and I still don’t snack often. But this is really typical for me. At least I no longer crave chocolate, which is good, as I really would like to loose some more weight.

I recently started setting my alarm clock for 9:30a.m. – so I could be ‘alive’ to battle at reset, for a particular online game I play. I notice I’m angrier when certain higher level players regularly kill me, and yell at my monitor – even though I know the battle is part of the game. I’m kind of ‘forcing’ myself to play, it seems. I also had a brief period where instead of doing my normal online routine, I’d load the game “Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis” and play it for hours, loosing myself in it for a brief spell – even when I really didn’t want to play. Hell, the damn theme song was constantly playing over and over in my mind and I’d hear some of the ingame comments even in my dreams. Can we say obsessive? So, I pulled myself away from the game and tried to get back into my online routine a bit more – only to formally quit WOSIB. And I’ve even been thinking of doing the same with Camelot Dreams.

I have an almost completed short story – or start of a novel, whichever way it goes – sitting here on my PC, and no gumption to work on it. I have hundreds of dollars worth of books, still waiting to be read, just gathering dust. I have 20 or 30 interesting graphics tutorials in my bookmarks – all untouched by me. I have ideas, work, updates required to keep my domains interesting, and none of it is being done. It’s like I just don’t care.

I push myself to do some of my normal online stuff, then leave my PC pretty much for the day, and go sit in front of the boob-tube and knit. The knitting is fine, I tend to believe it’s helping keep my fingers/hands/wrists a bit ‘oiled,’ so to speak. But I’m watching crap on tv that I normally wouldn’t even consider viewing – talk shows, court shows (naa, I’ve always liked the court shows) and reruns of reruns of old sitcoms. I force myself to log in on my old PC to do my online game stuff during some commercial breaks – and ignore the messages I hear being sent to me, on my other PC. Like I don’t want contact. Remi tries to get me to play and I get short-tempered and quit when she doesn’t drop the toy right next to my hand – I won’t even lean down to grab the item from right next to the couch where I’m semi-reclining in front of the boob-tube.

I use to dance, and chase Remi around the apartment, and look for reasons to go for a drive. Now, I only look forward to semi-reclining on the couch – and at the same time I don’t look forward to it, cause I really don’t care, I just do it.

I don’t know, maybe it’s the stress of Spring’s dramatic life. Maybe it’s the recent bad stuff happening to John. Maybe it’s the crap S is putting up with. Maybe it’s my disability giving me a new kick in the ass. Maybe it’s the latest test result diagnosing me with osteroporosis in my lower back and both hips. Maybe it’s the ending of “Angel” or “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” or the death of “Sirius Black (Harry Potter).,” or Mom’s downward health. I don’t know – maybe they all contributed and this has been building up for longer then I realized, just I was able to hold it off or something. I just don’t know.

But more importantly – do I care anymore?

Things have been – are still – not quite right. I’m being polite. I’ll be (somewhat) brief, I think. For the first time ever, I had a super severe reaction to the local high pollen count. Not the typical watery eyes, sneezing, etc. type stuff. Oh no, my body chose to go all out. It started with a mildly irritating spot in the back of the right side of my throat, and from there, went into an earache. K, I can handle that – but the next phase was pretty scary, to put it mildly. My throat swelled. From one carotid artery to the other – sort of looked like I had this huge goiter under my chin.

Fortunately, it didn’t really affect my breathing – but I couldn’t swallow. I was unable to eat for a week (I didn’t miss food at all, and although I don’t recommend the method, I did loose around 20 pounds. *grins*) After 4 days with nothing to drink – and now running a fever of 102.2, I knew I was heading into dehydration; was very weak, light headed, exhausted but unable to sleep more then 1-3 hours, and my urine was extremely dark and concentrated – another sure sign of dehydration. I knew I needed to get into the ER, be checked – but also wasn’t sure I could safely drive myself the 2 blocks there. So, Spring stopped by for a visit and took me to the ER. I was put on antibiotics (fever means infection in the doc’s eyes, even though my white blood cell count barely registered above normal.) He (doc) said no way on allergy, couldn’t be – because you don’t run a fever with an allergy. Huh?

I had the first symptom on a Wednesday, realized the pollen was extremely high (weather had finally sunk into my head) on Saturday and shut the house up and put the air on. After around 6 hours, I was able to sip a little liquid – drank maybe a half ounce throughout that day. But I’m a dog owner, so still had to go outside several times a day, to potty the dogs. So Sunday is when Spring stopped over and took me to hospital. I began my antibiotics on Monday – pharmacy was closed by the time Spring tried to drive me there on Sunday (7pm), so I took myself on Monday. Also, since my sleep cycle was so screwed – awake for 3-4 hours, sleep for 1-3 hours, I was able to pretty much stay indoors during the day and high pollen time, and mainly take the dogs out at night… they seemed to know I was feeling ill, stayed real close to me. Around Tuesday evening, I noticed the swelling was down quite a bit, and was thrilled to be able to drink a whole 20 oz bottle of water – even though it took me all day and part of the night. Wednesday I was able to handle broth, so had a cup with me all the time… Spring also came over – she and JJ had split up. (Not going into that – it’s like deja vu from when she split with Johnny, a few years back. The world is all wrong and poor JJ is being picked on for being perfect. Uh-huh.)

Well, with Spring & the baby here, my sleep schedule has been totally screwed. I had been taking naps, gathering my strength. That came to a screeching halt. Spring wanting to stay up till all hours – talking about how none of this is poor, perfect JJ’s fault, and watch movies – made sleeping at night an impossibility. So, the swelling is finally gone. I’m able to drink again, and can now also eat – although softer foods are still the best (yogurt, mainly.) But I am eating some of my former veggie meals now, too. I’m getting very little sleep, so exhaustion is still a major part of my days – I need to be up and alert, to make sure Destiny doesn’t play/break S’s network system, entertainment system, etc. She was taught it’s okay and fun to hit the screen of a big screen tv, and she wants to turns the dials on the surround sytem and all those blinking lights on the router (etc.) just begs to be played with… *sighs*

Last night, Spring said she ‘couldn’t stay up all night anymore, Mama.’ Hell, I’ve been telling her since she got here – I need more sleep, I’m still healing! After the 11 o’clock news, I got ready for bed – she was planning on watching movies; I told her I was going to bed, I was tired, very very tired. She and Destiny kept the tv up fairly loud, think I was finally able to fall asleep around 1am or so. Had set my alarm so I could have some quiet, private time – but needed more sleep. Slept till 10am. House was blissfully quiet – for 20 minutes. *sighs* I’m sorry – I want my house back.

I know, I know – long time no (fresh) blog. It was partly due to my wanting what I said about “Angel” to remain in a prominent spot, partly due to a (fairly) severe need to be away from the net, partly due to some rising family crisis (see previous ‘partly’ *sighs) – but mainly due to, I literally had no time to myself to sit here, think and write. Granted, things are moving back to an even keel once again – but some of the matters are on shaky ground, to put it mildly.

I’m choosing not to put the upsets here, this time. Think I’ve been in a bit of a negative funk for too long – past readers of my blog can fairly easily figure out the main contributing cause to that phase. And yes, he is still in the picture and getting worse – but I’m tired of being tired, and negativity causes that form of exhaustion. So, some good news, instead. *smiles*

I have 2 adopted children, as well as my 2 biological kids. Angel, my daughter, is the eldest. She is mentally retarded and living in a support home, elsewhere. She resisted contact with her biological aunt – out of loyalty to me, actually. The aunt is a lovely woman who can enrigh Angel’s life, in my opinion. So, when I was forced to start hopping states (i.e. ex-louse stalker problems) I chose to drop my contact with Angel, force her into the position of accepting contact with her biological aunt. It was a hard decision, yes it was hard on Angel – however, the last time I spoke to her, she was finally having weekly contact with her aunt, and she sounded happy.

S (biological child) is next in line, then John. John is 6-weeks older then Spring, btw. I’ve had pretty much an ‘on again off again’ relationship with John. John came from a pretty abusive background and was really mixed up, to put it mildly. He was diagnosed with severe behavioral handicap. When I chose to divorce my ex, S, John and Spring lived with me – until John moved back with my ex and told him everything I had been doing, my new goals, etc. Naturally, it caused me emotional pain to be betrayed that way, and some hard feelings between all siblings. Sometime later, John asked to move in with me again and I said yes. Although I never forbid him to see his dad – I would never do that, being a firm believer that kids need an ongoing relationship with both parents, when possible – I did wonder that he never thought it odd or strange that the ex’s own biological children wanted nothing to do with him, their own choice.

John eventually turned to drugs and alcohol – he was 17, almost 18 at the time. And John was mean when he was using. The day he tried to attack me with a hot coffee pot, I made him leave my home – with S and Spring backing me up. I also had to file a report with the police, what I did and my reasoning, to ensure I wouldn’t be held responsible for things John might do, since he was still legally a minor.

John moved around for a time period, living with his dad for a while, staying with Spring and her (then) current boyfriend, Johnny, staying with friends, etc. He would phone me occassionally – oddly (or maybe not), whatever we talked about, my divorce attorney would later question me about; he obviously was still spying for his dad. I eventually moved around enough to pretty much muddle the tracks of where I’d been, before eventually locating where I am now. My Mother, S and Spring were the only ones who knew my whereabouts, at any given time, as they were the only ones I felt I could truly trust.

Fast forward to 2001; John made a surprise visit to my Mom, wanting family contact. He said he hadn’t talked to his dad for a few months. . . Mom phoned me. I had a pleasant conversation with John, caught up somewhat (he had gotten in some legal trouble and spent some time in jail, had gone through drug rehab and stopped drinking) – and, I apologized but told him, I still didn’t trust him not to betray me again, so any contact with me would have to come via my Mom. He said he understood, and I wrote him a few letters, which Mom forwarded to him, before he eventually ‘disappeared’ again.

In 2002, he contacted Mom again, and brought a young woman to meet her – he was engaged. S was coming to the States, and arranged to take me in to visit with Mom, and meet John and his fiance. Mom was impressed that John had changed, grown up. I saw the same old John, albeit better at disguising his intentions. Again, I kept my whereabouts a secret from him. I was not impressed with his young fiance, either – very flighty, highly immature girl who just seemed, well, off. But, we began our contact again, same as before, with my Mom as the go between, to keep my whereabouts hidden. That lasted about 3 months or so, before John disappeared again.

Current – John contacted my Mom again, now with a wife and child in tow. Well, he contacted her via phone, not an actual visit this time. He had moved to South Carolina several months ago, severing all ties with his dad, my ex. The child wasn’t his, but he was taking on all responsibility for him – and, they were/are expecting one of their own. He was still drug free, and rarely drank – spending most of his time working hard and going to church. He was able to recently purchase a new 3-bedroom mobile home for his family, and is slowly purchasing new furniture/appliances – with some help from his in-laws. I decided to call him – and was truly impressed by the tone and sound of his voice. I think this was the first time I’d ever heard him sound so happy and at peace with himself. He desperately wants family contact, especially now, with a new young family of his own. With the help of his young wife, Tara – she sounds very mature, even though she’s only 17 – he’s finally come to realize what a manipulator and user his dad is, and that as long as he has contact with him, John continually heads downward in life and can’t have ‘true’ contact with S, Spring and myself. . . but when he pushed his dad from his life, his own personal life began to move upward, and he can have contact with family. Now, he also is keeping his whereabouts hidden from anyone on my ex’s side of the family – and he’s amazed at how smoothly his life is going now, and that so many positive things are coming into his life. *smiles*

I’ve phoned him a couple of times, and he’s asked if I’d be willing to come to South Carolina – at his expense – when the baby is born. He’s talked to my Mom a few times, and was able to talk to Spring last weekend. He’s looking forward to being able to talk to S in the next couple of months (we don’t have a set date for his next trip back to the States yet.) And he sounds happy. It took him a while, but John is finally growing up. *smiles*

This just ain’t right. *sighs* It’s official, the WB has cancelled “Angel” in mid season. I’ve had a lot of fictional blows these last several months. I mean, first, my absolute favorite Harry Potter character, Sirius Black, (introduced in the soon to be released third movie, “Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban“) is killed off in the fifth book of the series, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix“. Then, last spring, one of my top favorite tv shows is cancelled, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer“. When Cordy came out of her coma on “Angel” I had a sneaky suspicion they were thinking of cancelling it – especially after seeing the previews for next week’s episode, where it appears Fred will be in big danger. When I saw the preview, my first thought was – uh-oh, they’re wrapping up all the story lines, no loose threads . . . and I was right, dammit. I just read at TV Guide Online that the show has officially been cancelled by the WB.

Damn, I’m not sure I can handle another blow of this magnitude. I’m serious here, people. When Sirius died, I was literally depressed. I felt as bad as if a real life friend died. Buffy going away was almost – but thankfully not quite – as bad; the only reason it didn’t hit me quite as hard, was I had time to get use to it ending, what with all of the announcements concerning that. And now my vampire champion is going away.

I don’t know, maybe it’s my creative side that allows me to feel so close and truly love these fictional characters; all I know is, it really does hurt when they leave. With my luck, they’ll replace the “Angel” timeslot with some more of that crappy reality bullshit. Personally, I’m so sick of the various Survivor Islands’, American Idols (although I do like Simon, I can’t stand being told by others what music I should like), and the like, I could scream. Or, just quit watching tv altogether. Hmm, granted, only a single viewer, but something to think about. I mean, I have almost 100 dvd’s of my own, a subscription to NetFlix for more movies, books and my PC to keep me entertained – yeah, I could do without ‘regular’ tv. Hell, it seems like when people get really involved with a show, that’s when the network chooses – in all of their idiocy – to pull the plug. Really, I mean, what’s next . . . “CSI: Crime Scene Investigation” . . . “CSI Miami” . . . “Smallville” . . . or even, *gasp* “Charmed“???

This just sucks.