Was doing research; today [actually yesterday, as of the time of this posting] has been a fairly productive homework day, did my discussion and replies, found loads of articles to review for my paper… took a little break after Joe woke up [he’s running some weird hours lately, he woke at 5am and went back to bed around 12:30, back up around 7pm, I think] and played some Clash of Clans. Did horrid! Kept losing battles and trophies… got fed up and put my tablets up… then realized how I was filling up with anger. Don’t know why, just feeling pretty damn pissed off!
I so want to be finished with this class, partially because I still have no burning ambition to be a teacher and I still feel pretty confused as to what I’m supposed to be turning in weekly. I feel out of place, too. In a class of twenty, I’m one of two that are not already educators. Yet, we’re still at the beginning of the term, only midway through week three of a ten week term. *sighs*
I’m fairly certain I’m feeling familial stress, actually. Joe mentioned DFCS was going to do an inspection of S’s home today, which is why Mommy Dearest called him and asked him to come over and help her clean the house. Joe said it was a total mess, that they spent over three hours on the kitchen before it was passable! He said they spent time chatting with Philio on the phone, played on Mommy Dearest’s computer, and got two rooms cleaned. The kitchen and one bathroom. He was there from 11am until 7pm. Last night, Joe “suddenly” remembered the reason why DFCS was doing the inspection; they wanted to make sure the home was safe for a visit on Friday, for James. S knows James deliberately hurt Squish when I had custody of him and he’d go to their house to visit! He knows it!
I’m worried about Squish. I’m worried about S. Mommy Dearest successfully turned my son against me; he has no anchor to sanity living with her… he no longer is capable to see her ‘love’ is poisonous. I’m filled with so much guilt – I am the one that convinced him to give her another chance, each time he was ready to call it quits. Whatever happens to him or Squish, is my fault. I had been drinking the Kool-Aide, you see… I stopped and finally began to see clearly a few months ago… he’s still drinking the Kool-Aide.
James lies. James cuts. James steals. James destroys things, claiming he’s making something. James is manipulative, albeit not very well. He learned everyone of these behaviors from Mommy Dearest. Joe has been having more contact with her, and is acting, differently. Hard to explain, but he is. I may sound paranoid, but I don’t trust him anymore. He threatened Spring, just two days after joking with her about becoming her little brother soon – I had been planning on adopting him. Figured it might be a way to help him gain citizenship and a Social Security number. Not gonna do it, not after the way he talked to Spring and threatened her. Joe is a bit better at manipulating, compared to James. However, he quickly forgets who he told what to, and gives himself away.
Last school year, Joe called me, hysterical… he said that Mommy Dearest and Jade had been sending awful texts about him, to his friend Laurel’s boyfriend, JP. Mommy Dearest claimed she didn’t even know the boy – after first convincing S he was dangerous, carried a gun and would think nothing of hurting me or Joe. I pointed out to S that Mommy Dearest was friends with JP on FaceBook- she promptly blocked me, and Spring. This was around last March or April. James was really acting up during this time period and I literally had a mental breakdown… I petitioned the court to rescind my custody, knowing I was in a no win situation. Keep James and risk my health and ability to see S and Squish, return him to DFCS custody and risk losing S and Squish because Mommy Dearest would be upset… the court backed me and thanked me for what I had tried to do with James… I received one more phone call from S after the courts decision, inviting me to a Memorial Day cookout. I refused. I haven’t felt welcome in his home for months, at least since the previous December when I was awarded custody of James and explained to Mommy Dearest that no, my having custody of James was not ‘in name only to screw the court,’ that he would reside in my home but be allowed to visit more than he did while in DFCS custody. It was after that, that James began his campaign – cutting, claiming I was a liar and that I ‘stabbed his mother in the back.’ It came straight from her playbook. The cookout would have been untenable; Mommy Dearest reigning as Queen Diva with several of her faux family members present. Huh-uh, I still wasn’t up to par to deal with that. Besides, I had a ton of homework to make up, thanks to James’ shitty behavior. I was trying my damnest to not lose my class credits and have to re-take the class again; I have enough student loan debt, thankyouverymuch!
That phone call invite from S was curt and cold, and the last time I talked to him until Squish’s third birthday party. I think we said maybe ten words to each other. Last time I saw Squish, he threw himself into my arms and hugged me… at his party, he barely looked at me, acted like he didn’t know who I was. Mommy Dearest had two months to get my grandson to act differently towards me. She’s had longer to work on S. I have no clue what lies she’s feeding him.
Perhaps all of this brewing in the back of my mind is what caused my unknown anger. I don’t know. Perhaps I needed some cathartic release, writing some of it down again – since the original writings written around each event was deleted when I lost my previous blog. I don’t feel quite as angry right now, after this lengthy post. I still don’t feel like me, either… *sighs*
I’m so outtie….