Not so secret, secret

I have been filled with so much rage, for quite some time now. Living in/with a lot of negativity is blowing my chi away. So I didn’t sleep last night, maybe a few 15-30 minute naps here and there. Unsure if I’m getting all the water I seem to require now, on a daily basis, but I am trying. Under the “Journey” category I would say I’m still smoking – slightly better than what I posted in May (a pack to a pack and a half a day) to a pack plus maybe 5 cig’s from a new pack….

I’m thinking most of my rage is coming from the actions, or lack of, from a few people that don’t affect me personally – but add to my daughter’s stress on a daily and I try to send her healing and positive energy as much as possible. And it’s kind of draining me to the point where I’m rage filled on a daily. Nothing I’m going to get into on here, period. And I have a doctors’ appointment in two days, so there’s that. Blood pressure check plus blood work, so, yeah. Seems to me I was going through another fml stage, for my last appointment, too.

Gotta walk and feed my critters, so I am so outtie….

FML, still smoking

In fact, I’m smoking more, around a full to one and a half packs a day now. Life has been shit; I’m not a stress eater — I’m a stress smoker, so yeah. And I’m using my vape, more or less, on a daily. One of my replacement tanks was bad and made vaping difficult – to say the least, and I began grabbing cigarettes. Got the tank issue figured out a couple of days ago and I’m consciously trying to grab my vape before I’ll allow myself a cigarette, again. Honestly, that just started, I think, yesterday but I’m not really sure because, life is shit right now.

I tried to write a post about Luna, my eldest Collie, but either my pc is acting up or waiting for the WP update caused weird issues and I lost what I’d written. I can’t re-write it right now cause I’m raw. Suffice it to say, Luna is gone and parts of it was bad.

FML, I’m so outtie….

Changes? Uhhh, no.

Long time no blog, my bad. Still smoking – dammit. Roughly between a half and three quarters a pack a day. I still want to quit; you smokers out there know how hard it is. The bout of flu, remnants of Covid-19 or whatever, have made it hard to vape. Vaping sends me into a spiral of coughing while a cigarette doesn’t. I would prefer to vape over having a cigarette, however. Going without the damn nicotine gives me the shakes, raises my level of rage – which is not a pretty sight, believe me – and heightens. my overall sensitivity – not in a good way.

I’m knitting and crocheting, which is enjoyable and lowers my stress. A cigarette lowers my stress in the moment, although sometimes it takes two cigarettes. While allowing myself to work on one of the sweaters I’m making, does the same – I have one sweater I’m crocheting and one I’m knitting. However, interruptions can piss me off, annoy me. Some interruptions cannot be avoided, some can. I try not to smoke while knitting/crocheting, although I did allow myself to hit my vape in the past.

It may not sound like it to you non-smokers out there, but I am trying. I do want to quit smoking. Breaking a thirty plus year addiction is extremely difficult. K, I am so outtie….

Still smoking

I know these are all really excuses, I do. Consider, though, that I’ve been smoking over a half century – around 53 years, or so. It’s like ingrained in me to reach for a cigarette when I’m stressed. I am trying to break that and reach for my vape, lower nicotine and no tar, compared to my normal brand of cigarettes. I was beginning to tolerate the various brands I was using, much better than before, so two packs ago, I went back to my original cigarette choice of Marlboro Menthol 100’s, the “Gold” pack… and immediately went back down to a half pack a day. Mind you, I had inched back up to almost a full pack a day.

The elections stressed me, and I smoked more; I was able to maintain between a half and three quarters of a pack a day, for the most part. Then I got food poisoning, the stomach pains, well, I smoked a bit more. And with no relief, apparently after the food poisoning, I went right into this god-awful stomach bug that’s going around. My granddaughter has it, too – it’s painful (and more, ewww) enough that it sent her to the ER yesterday. Let’s just say the very awful and painful symptoms helped push me up to a pack a day. I still have the bug, although Daughter had some OTC medication that helped relieve one of the main symptoms. So, while I do still have the bug, I was able to drop myself back down to a half a pack a day. Lastly, the Marlboro’s I smoke actually have the lowest tar and nicotine numbers, I think of all cigarettes.

I’m not bothering to refill the last Wellbutrin prescription, either. While I do think the drug helped pull me out of the funk I had been in, I don’t think it’s really contributed to helping me quit smoking. I’ve gotten myself down to a half pack a day, on my own – pre-Wellbutrin, in the past. So why waste the money and put another unnecessary drug in my body, it it’s not helping me? The vape’s I use to use were quite old and didn’t really do what they were intended for, while my new vape handles my needs quite well. So, I’m hopeful I’ll be able to substitute it more and more for cigarettes. Time will tell, won’t it? With that said, I am so outtie….


Smoked almost a whole pack today. Feeling depressed. Guess the Wellbutrin isn’t helping on that front. I have vaped a bit today. I can’t believe so many power-hungry idiots voted for that moron, Herschel Walker! The fool is nothing but a puppet. There will be a runoff vote on December 6th between the moron (48.5%) and our wonderful incumbent, Senator Reverend Rafeal Warnock (49.4%). If the Senator had gotten 50% or better, there would be no runoff. Kemp was voted back into Office, Stacey Abrams lost her bid for Governor, again.

Democracy was on the ballot. Too many idiots are voting due to higher costs, like it’s the Democrats fault. They don’t have the brain power to figure out, corporations are raising prices – because they can – and making record profits. High prices will level out and go away, fascism won’t. People are stupid.

I am so fucking outtie….


I am filled with rage. Don’t know why, it just kind of came over me about one to two hours ago. It’s election day, have no clue how that’s going. I voted early – blue. Expecting a blood moon tonight due to an eclipse.

Still smoking, although it’s right around a half pack a day. Vaping occasionally with the new vape. Bought three packs on the third, still have a few left; bought three more packs today. Playing CoC but that feels like a bother more than enjoyable.

Sherry moved in cause her health was so poor. Daughter got her fairly healthy again. She wanted to be added to insurance because hers was ready to expire and she planned on giving her son (son-in-law to me) her car. Daughter added her and said it went up $100. So, my monthly payment went from $235 a month to $294 this month and $273 thereafter. Sherry left two days ago to stay with her friend again, so I took her off the insurance. The bill went up to $302 this month! Wtf?!? My Chevy – full coverage – broke down, either the tranny or torque converter… both expensive fixes. So, I took the Chevy off the insurance, leaving three vehicles still on so multiple car discount. This month’s bill is now $303 and it’s $273 thereafter. Wtf?!?

This all just added to the frickin’ rage I’m feeling, so I am so outtie….

And so on….

I guess I had my “Catch up Day” roughly eight days ago. So, I made that pack of cigarettes I bought, last four days. Then I got hit by the itchies. I’m talking entire body from head to bottom of my feet, so itchy I was scratching myself raw. It was stressing me way the hell out! I contacted my doctor via video and told her what was happening. She advised I cut the Wellbutrin back to one a day and see if the itchiness subsides, then slowly take it up to the prescribed two a day – in case it was a tolerance issue for me. She also said to stop the vitamin B12, for now. The B12 had already done what I needed it to do, clear up to Covid brain fog and lack of energy. I just kept taking it out of habit, more or less. So, yeah, I bought more cigarettes during the itchiness… ended up buying a different brand again because this brand was leaving an awful taste in my mouth that colored the flavor of food and Listerine would not get rid of and gave the half pack to my granddaughter.

My vapes are acting up so I can’t hit them the way I want and need to, right now. The one is leaking when I try to add vape juice and the other gets very hot after hitting it a few times in a row. So yeah, I’ve been buying cigarettes again. I’m maintaining at a half a pack a day and hopeful today will be my last day on Benedryl for the itchies. Daughter tells me my vapes – while not cheap, per se, are “throw-away vapes” meant for much more casual use than I need – and I should consider investing in a better vape. So, guess I’ll do some research after I post this. Because I actually do want to quit. It’s extremely hard to beat this addiction when I’ve been smoking more than fifty years now. I do actually reach for my vape before a cigarette, now, and really prefer the vape over a cigarette. But my body acts up when I don’t feed it enough nicotine.

So, I’m definitely not giving up. I’m simply having a harder time than anticipated. Guess I’ll begin my vape research, so I am so outtie….

Catch up Day!

I smoked my last cigarette around 11:00-11:30 on October 19, 2022. I didn’t say anything until I had hit 30 hours without a cigarette, then I told Daughter and granddaughter. So, while I’m calling the 19th my quit date, I did smoke in the morning; for practical purposes, I’ve been using the 20th as the day to count down from. Everything I’ve read states the first week, starting from day three, are the hardest to get through. I’m going to say I agree with that, thus far.

My day two – the 21st – was rough, I was irritable, and my poor dogs took the brunt end of that. Various life crisis would pop up, major and minor, and if my jitters were very noticeable, Daughter would hand me her cigarette for a quick puff or two. I was going through my melon vape juice quite fast, my strawberry-lemonade vape was – and is – acting up, extremely hard to draw from, so quite frustrating to use. And all I could think of, was how much I wanted a cigarette. Daughter smokes non-menthol, hand-rolled cigarettes. The hit or two I’d take from her cigarette, made me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t need aversion therapy, I know cigarettes are bad for me and I no longer enjoyed the taste of my own brand, as I once use to.

My day three, yesterday – the 22nd – I broke, it was so rough. I bought a pack of cigarettes. I did not buy my preferred brand. I told the girl I was trying to quit but was having a rough day, so please give me a single pack of the cheapest brand of menthol, they sold. I’ve smoked Marlboro menthol for well over twenty years… she gave me a pack of Lucky Strike menthol. Just having the pack soothed my jitters – psychological effect – and I waited an additional hour before opening it. Honestly? They tasted like ass. But they were menthol and gave me that spurt of nicotine my body was fiending for. I smoked half a cigarette and tossed the last half away. Yes, I still have that nasty pack of cigarettes here, and there are 17 cigarettes left in the pack. I found I definitely preferred my vape over the cigarette – a real improvement and damn good thing – so still definitely vaping away.

So, today is my day four. I grabbed the pack of cigarettes after I took care of the dogs, and placed them, along with my ashtray, on top of the fridge. *shrugs* Out of sight, out of mind? I’ve used my vape twice this morning. I am thinking of a cigarette, to be perfectly honest, but the vape has satisfied that urge thus far. I’m enjoying my coffee and ready to play Clash of Clans… no jitters so far, so I am so outtie….

Day Eighteen?

Started with three cigarettes from yesterday’s pack; didn’t have my first cigarette till 10:30 which means I was up and active for an hour, versus immediately lighting up. And I actually kind of wanted my vape, more than an actual cigarette. So, that is a positive change I would think.

Almost finished a pack today, plus whatever was left from yesterday’s pack. Was doing okay in the morning and early afternoon, but it was like a switch was flipped and I was feeling down and smoking. Dunno, but I am so outtie….

Day Sixteen

Starting with six from yesterday’s pack. Sipping coffee and smoking as I type this at 10:11a.m. Had to pull Cooper’s water bowls out of the pen, for cleaning, The one had water in it, and I planned to dump it on the outside of pen. Cooper had other plans. He used his big head to butt me in the butt, bowl starts to tumble out of my hands and dumps the entire bowl in my left slipper. My foot is like ice! Bowls cleaned and back in pen – filled after I put them in their respective holders. Cooper acted like a gentleman. He’s plotting something.

Forgot to upload this yesterday. Didn’t count my cigarettes this morning, bought three more packs. Obviously, I didn’t stop on the tenth, or the fifteenth, so I’ll keep plugging away and I am so outtie….