Last night, after watching “Charmed,” I saw a commercial I’ve probably seen a hundred or more times in the last several months. The commercial made me realize – I’m depressed.
It kind of caught me by surprise – yet seemed obvious at the same time. I have no energy, am tired – no, exhausted, all the time. Even now, after only being up for under 4 hours and not doing anything strenuous or anything (email, walk dogs, some paperwork and visited some sites/played games) I’m tired and seriously wanting a nap. Now, Mom – at last conversation – thinks my tiredness is due to still recovering from the serious allergic reaction I had to the pollen, this year. I don’t know, maybe it is. But at the same time, I’m loosing interest in things I’ve greatly enjoyed doing for some time. I quit WOSIB because I fell behind in my Creators assignments and felt too overwhelmed to try and create any of the projects. . . I don’t look forward to doing anything with Camelot Dreams, in fact, find myself waiting till the absolute last minute to do my required work. . . my temper is off and I feel resentful over things that normally wouldn’t bother me in the least which makes me mad – a Catch 22, really.
I can’t really judge anything by sleep, as I’ve always had insomnia – yet, I do recall being able to stay up for 36 or more hours before really needing sleep, catching 3-4 hours then starting all over again. And don’t think it’s changing because I’m getting older – I’m describing my sleep pattern from as little as 6 months ago. Yeah, age changed things – I use to be able to stay up for 3-4 days before absolutely needing my 3-4 hours sleep; now, it’s 2-3 days. Or rather, 6 months ago it was.
Same goes for appetite – I still only eat my 1 meal a day. Sometimes I’m starving by the time I make my food – other times, I have to remind myself to eat; and I still don’t snack often. But this is really typical for me. At least I no longer crave chocolate, which is good, as I really would like to loose some more weight.
I recently started setting my alarm clock for 9:30a.m. – so I could be ‘alive’ to battle at reset, for a particular online game I play. I notice I’m angrier when certain higher level players regularly kill me, and yell at my monitor – even though I know the battle is part of the game. I’m kind of ‘forcing’ myself to play, it seems. I also had a brief period where instead of doing my normal online routine, I’d load the game “Jurassic Park: Operation Genesis” and play it for hours, loosing myself in it for a brief spell – even when I really didn’t want to play. Hell, the damn theme song was constantly playing over and over in my mind and I’d hear some of the ingame comments even in my dreams. Can we say obsessive? So, I pulled myself away from the game and tried to get back into my online routine a bit more – only to formally quit WOSIB. And I’ve even been thinking of doing the same with Camelot Dreams.
I have an almost completed short story – or start of a novel, whichever way it goes – sitting here on my PC, and no gumption to work on it. I have hundreds of dollars worth of books, still waiting to be read, just gathering dust. I have 20 or 30 interesting graphics tutorials in my bookmarks – all untouched by me. I have ideas, work, updates required to keep my domains interesting, and none of it is being done. It’s like I just don’t care.
I push myself to do some of my normal online stuff, then leave my PC pretty much for the day, and go sit in front of the boob-tube and knit. The knitting is fine, I tend to believe it’s helping keep my fingers/hands/wrists a bit ‘oiled,’ so to speak. But I’m watching crap on tv that I normally wouldn’t even consider viewing – talk shows, court shows (naa, I’ve always liked the court shows) and reruns of reruns of old sitcoms. I force myself to log in on my old PC to do my online game stuff during some commercial breaks – and ignore the messages I hear being sent to me, on my other PC. Like I don’t want contact. Remi tries to get me to play and I get short-tempered and quit when she doesn’t drop the toy right next to my hand – I won’t even lean down to grab the item from right next to the couch where I’m semi-reclining in front of the boob-tube.
I use to dance, and chase Remi around the apartment, and look for reasons to go for a drive. Now, I only look forward to semi-reclining on the couch – and at the same time I don’t look forward to it, cause I really don’t care, I just do it.
I don’t know, maybe it’s the stress of Spring’s dramatic life. Maybe it’s the recent bad stuff happening to John. Maybe it’s the crap S is putting up with. Maybe it’s my disability giving me a new kick in the ass. Maybe it’s the latest test result diagnosing me with osteroporosis in my lower back and both hips. Maybe it’s the ending of “Angel” or “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” or the death of “Sirius Black (Harry Potter).,” or Mom’s downward health. I don’t know – maybe they all contributed and this has been building up for longer then I realized, just I was able to hold it off or something. I just don’t know.
But more importantly – do I care anymore?