I just got off the phone with my Mom. I shared with her, what I’m saying here now – so Mom was the first to know about it.
About 2 weeks ago I had to buy a new battery for S’s second car, the Honda Accord he purchased for my use (and to take ‘pressure’ off the Eclipse.) While outside sitting in line, waiting to have the battery tested, I noticed a young man who literally took my breath away – he could have been John’s twin. I sat there, forcifully composing myself and sending mental orders, “Don’t let him take care of me. Not him, anyone but him.”
A pleasant young fellow came over and did the test, confirming I needed the battery (and that the alternator was okay) so I OK’d the battery replacement and went inside to finish my shopping and wait for the car to be finished.
As things would have it, most of the others in the car service waiting area finished up and left. I believe there was one other guy there when the John look-alike walked in and called my name. When he looked at me, it just kind of hit me hard; my grief overwhelmed me and I burst into tears . . . and then, the music Wal-Mart pipes in, Sarah Mclachlan’s song, “I Will Remember You” began playing. The song had been played at John’s funeral and I used it on his tribute page. . . . I began crying so hard, so uncontrollably, I know I must have scared those present, I fell to the ground. Collapsed, really. Just sobbing, my eyes on the young man – he looked so concerned, and yes, confused.
A manager ran to me, assisted me to my feet and asked what was wrong . . . I haltingly told him, the young man could have been my youngest son’s twin, and that he had committed suicide a month ago, sobbing harder, I tried to explain when this song – which had played at the funeral – came over the sound system, it was all too much for me to bear. Especially when I glanced at the young man’s name tag. His name was John.
I kept apologizing for making a scene and tried to compose myself. John walked a few steps closer to me and said, “Mrs.(my last name)?”
I looked at him. I felt like I was drowning in his eyes as he said, “Mom, say goodbye. . . .”
I sobbed harder as we hugged each other and I whispered, “I’m so sorry John . . . so sorry. . . .”
Part of me knew, was aware – this wasn’t my son but a very wonderful, caring and wise young stranger; was aware I was the cause of a scene – and I hate public scenes; yet another part of me truly felt, I held my John for one last second before he left.
I haven’t been able to voice that incident before this. It held some cathartic relief – yet left me feeling ‘blah‘ at the same time.
Last Sunday I left Camelot Dreams. Today, I’m beginning my spiritual studies once again. There is a hollowness that needs to be filled.
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I originally posted the above on August 3 (today is the 6th). I’m editing the post only to comment – yesterday I dyed my hair. For the first time in 8 years, I’m no longer a redhead, but a brunette again. I chose to edit the post simply because, I didn’t want the above incident archived. Not yet.
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Still not ready for this one to be archived, sorry. It’s now the 9th, 2:30a.m. I just finally added the ‘comment’ feature to my blog. . . . That’s all I have to say for now – other then, I am finally getting some interest in updating again and have updated my ‘Clubhouse’ area (see link to left) and am working on a brand new area called ‘Playhouse.’ So far, only a ‘holder’ page created online, but busily working on pages to be uploaded later.