I feel lost, confused – sad, overwhelmed and over burdened. I’m depressed – even though I actually refuse to admit it; yes, I know that’s a conflicting statement. And yet – a part of me knows and understands this deep sorrow is a true depression, but another part of me refuses to give in to it.
It’s not the JJ – Spring crap — although I’m sure it is contributing to it. No, it’s much worse then that. Guess I need to just say it. On June 6th, my youngest son, John, committed suicide.
S flew my Mom in and rented a van to take all of us to John’s funeral in South Carolina. He’s such a wonderful man, so attentive and thoughtful – he’s my rock. He gave me time to fall apart and start the grieving process, and he remained strong and dealt with everything. On the drive there, all I could think was – this is one helluva first meeting with my new daughter-in-law. You see, John had only been married less then a year – actually only 7 months.
And now, a little over a month later, why, John – why did you do it? keeps popping into my head.
I’ve been trying to work on a tribute, of sorts, for John. I’m using the Sarah McLachlan song, “I Will Remember You”, as it was part of his funeral service and seems so fitting. You can see it here – and be warned, it’s roughly a 4 minute download for a 56k modem connection. I’ve never made a movie this big before and it’s confusing and sad and leaves me feeling a whole gamut of emotions. So I walk away from it and watch movies or play games on my PlayStation2. I’m barely keeping up with my duties at Camelot Dreams – I’m on LoA from Designed By Women, but was actually due back a few weeks ago. I remember to check my email only a few times a week.
My left thumb is swollen from all the time I’ve spent on my PS2. I know one of the symptoms of depression is sleeping a lot . . . wonder if playing Harry Potter Quidditch World Tournament could be considered a substitue for the sleep symptom of depression . . . ?
Thoughts come to mind, so fleeting – and then they’re gone. Other then the HP game, this is literally the longest I’ve spent on something, since John’s death.