Category: Most of the old stuff

Weather here is still miserable, therefore, my connection is sickly – to put it kindly. Naturally, there is no food left, as well. Literally. The last of the pizza (ordered last night) has been divided between the dogs, with some chicken for the cat (Hawaiian barbeque chicken pizza = yummy!); so, as I finish the final drip drops of my caffiene IV, warming myself internally as well as mentally, I face going out into the cold to grocery shop. I hate shopping. Any kind of shopping. Well, I do enjoy buying things for my PC, various electronics . . . and movies . . . but rarely have the money for either, so does that count? Hmm, thought women were suppose to have some specialized ‘shopping gene’, too. Blows that theory, eh? Not to mention I’ll be heading out at peak ‘idiot driver‘ time, aka beginning of evening rush hour.

Before you ask, no, I haven’t written anything else – since yesterday. However, I’m pleased to say the germs of ideas are beginning to band together to form larger, more cohesive ideas. That’s something, at least. I was semi-thrilled (thrilled is actually a bit much, but sounded nice here *winks*) to read in my “Idea Workshop” book, that there are many other writers who also use the same get-into-the-characters-head technique, and allow them, the characters, to guide the story. And, to clarify a tiny bit, this book has some good techniques and writing prompts, which I’ve been doing . . . well, first chapter, did the first prompt, then broke away to finish the “Fantasy Reference” book; I do plan to do more of the prompts, as I get back into this book, though. *chuckles* Of course, this book may very well be placed on ‘hold’ again, when my next shipment of books arrive . . . or I may read 2 at once, as I’ve been known to do in the past.

I find it a bit odd . . . random thought here, since my ‘weatherbug’ just flashed a winter advisory for some counties here, any way’s, I find it odd, that I have no clue where any of these counties are, or where they are from my point – are they east, north, south, west of me, or what. . . . The reason I find it odd, is when I lived in Ohio, I was aware of where ‘other’ counties were, in relation to where I was. Granted, Ohio is my birthplace. But, I was also familiar with where counties were, in relation to where I was, while living in Indiana, as well. And I lived in Indiana around the same length of time I’ve been here. Here, I’m familiar – really, being totally honest – with maybe 2-4 counties that surround or touch the county I live in. Odd? Probably closer to sad, actually. . . .

Well, the caffiene meter says we’re full enough, and the nicotene meter says we’re good to go; dogs have been pottied and fed – I really can’t put this off any longer. If I want to eat tonight, that is. And I really don’t feel like ordering another pizza, although the girls would be tickled if I did. So, guess it’s time to head to the grocery store. *sighs* I hate shopping.

K, it wasn’t much, but I finally put a new idea to paper, er, PC. Watching the news the other night, I saw a short story that got my ol’ creative gears burning a bit. The idea itself is down – total direction and who all it’ll involve, still unanswered. But hey, it’s a start! *laughs*

Lordy I’m hungry . . . actually, decided to do the pizza thing tonight, and waiting for it to be delivered. So are Remi & Heather! *laughs* But, I ordered it so it should show up right about the time “Charmed” starts, so I can have a hot dinner while watching my fav witches do their thing.

It’s quite cold here again, and wet. Just above freezing (34 degrees Farenheit) but raining. The wind chill is only 25, however; add to that, we now have a winter advisory in effect. With no one living in the apartment below now, no extra heat coming up . . . *shivers* and of course, when the gas company hit me with a much larger bill then normal, I turned my heat down. Oh well.

I was somewhat disappointed in the movie “Dahmer“, but do feel I got a tiny bit of useful insight into the abnormal mind, from the movie “Gacy“. I’ve watched the first movie twice, the second only once so far – but plan to rewatch both at least one more time before returning them to NetFlix – and, plan to read all of my serial killer research before watching them again. Obviously, one of my future writing goals will feature a serial killer, hence the research . . . which could, possibly, be one of the reasons I’m ‘stuck‘ right now, i.e. not writing. For myself, when I write, I tend to ‘get into’ the head of the character, the character actually shows me which direction to move the story. And although I’m a self-claimed weirdo and quite possibly abnormal *grins and winks* I can’t get into the head of a serial killer. Which is a good thing in the broad sense, but a bad thing in the characterization sense. I simply can’t fathom why they do what they do; I can read about various cases, sometimes even glimpse a hint of their perceived ‘logic,’ but, not enough to write convincingly – in my opinion. And I do really want to have a chance to write this story that’s been needling me for so long. . . .

Finished reading “Fantasy Reference” finally, awaiting the arrival of my latest Writer’s Digest Book Club order, now. Each of these newest selections ‘should‘ help with the serial killer idea. I think.

Well, I can’t think of anything else at the moment, so will wait the last 15-minutes for my pizza, in front of the boob-tube.

Sitting here, trying to get motivated. Let’s put some pressure on, shall we? Still no writing! Have only vague ideas, nothing to sink my teeth into, for new web pages and graphics. I know I have to make something for the Scribes Canvas adoptables area, too. I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure out why Duchess Rhiannon isn’t getting any votes sent to her, at Camelot Dreams, I’ve checked everything I can think of. I see more and more people quitting, many complain they didn’t want to join a ‘competiton only’ but have things to do – and I have made a few things to do, with a Valentine theme, but am beginning to feel it’s too little too late. One person is almost begging for more responsibility, help take the pressure off the few who are doing all the work – but that person is also not doing the jobs they have, very well – an active site quit partly because this person didn’t give the site credit for cheering. *sighs* Two BoD members, highly important members, are gone more then there, with 2 others picking up the slack – and one confessing she’s fast approaching burnout now. Arggghhh, as you can see, CD is always on my mind. . . .

I find myself trying to ‘lose’ myself, in movies, more and more. I sit on the couch, knitting and watching movies. The knitting is relaxing and, I think, therapeutic for my hands – at least, it seems I have more days of fairly decent finger mobility since I’ve begun knitting so much. I tell myself I’ll recoup ‘some‘ of the money spent on yarn, by selling the blankets online, as soon as I can get decent images of them to upload. Then I go to sites where people are really into knitting and crocheting and see how amatuerish my blankets are . . . besides the fact that each of the blankets I had made to sell, ones I considered to be my best, now have found their way to Spring’s and her friends homes. In fact, the friend I’m thinking of – Spring grabbed the nicest boy blanket I had and wrapped her friends baby in it, pretty much put me on the spot, and gave it to him – and she doesn’t even talk to the people anymore!

I think I’m struggling with feeling like a failure, without actually admitting to it – except, I just said it here, didn’t I?

I’ve finally almost finished reading “Fantasy Reference” – even though it still doesn’t interest me much. Part of me is wondering, how on earth can I create – invent – a fantasy culture, land and peoples – when I don’t feel creative anymore? I set aside my “Nocturnal Witchcraft” book, to finish reading the fantasy one. Something inside me kinda hinted, it’d probably be better to try and push the creative muse inside, versus expanding the spiritual muse.

I’ve purchased all of the expansion packs for the Sims – yet never play with them anymore. Although, I do still add things – sporadically – to my Sim City 4. I remember I simply could not wait for the release of “Makin’ Magic” – and I haven’t tried it yet, haven’t even installed it. I use to get inklings of story ideas, while manipulating my Sims – but also remember I’d play for so long, I’d fall behind in everything else.

Lack of organization? Lack of direction? Lack of follow-through? Lack of determination? Lack of inspiration?

I find Lady popping into my mind, more and more, as well as some rather disturbing dreams. Although I don’t need the reminders on how much I miss Lady, the dreams don’t ‘worry’ me, but rather feel like some type of warning of some kind. Things feel somewhat confusing – but come and go so quickly in my mind, I never put much effort into figuring out which each one means.

So much for my New Year’s resolution, eh?

Ack! For someone who hasn’t made a New Year’s Resolution in years, swore off the suckers, then decided, this is the year, I’m gonna make a resolution and actually keep it! – then made the actual resolution to write more, dammit! – er, I kinda suck at it, don’t I? *sheepish grin* And really, I have no excuse. Should be sentenced to a month in a closet with a typewriter as my only companion. Bathroom priviledges earned by words written. (Ewwwww!)

So, it’s cold here; however, the temperature has gone up a whopping 6 degrees since I woke up a few hours ago – but still under freezing. *shivers* I really hate the cold. But, I plan to get dressed, potty the dogs, finish my coffee, then goto Wal-Mart’s to pick up a few more skeins of yarn (more afghans, baby or lap size, whichever way you want to view ’em) and a dvd S is hoping to get. I’ve just been too darn cold to start moving, though. I’m sitting here in my flannel pj’s, feet tucked up under me, sipping coffee with my vitamin’s and herbs, reading email and visiting a few sites, signing a few guestbooks, rubbing my hands together hoping they’ll warm up a bit (it ain’t working, tho) and thinking about everything I really should put some effort into doing . . . like write something!; sweeping (vaccuum doesn’t work, have to use a broom on carpeting *sighs*); write something!; get my passport taken care of; write something!; organize my file drawer; write something!; return a piece of equipment to a doctor’s office; write something!; make a few graphics; write something!; website maintenance; write something!

Hmm, maybe I’m suffering from performance anxiety? (hehehe) Arghh, cutesy comment, but in reality – I’m seriously beginning to feel I’ve lost my imagination, my creative muse has gone on permanent vacation, the writer has left the building . . . write something, dammit!;

Oopsie, haven’t been here for a few days again. No real excuse, really – connection has been acting up a bit worse (again) and I’ve been doing a lot of watching movies/tv, and knitting. Another afghan, lap or baby, either/or. On the connection, after S sent Covad an email, my connection was pretty darn good for 2-3 days, a fairly solid connection, uninterrupted for around 20-22 hours, then some intermittent problems for an hour or two, then back to solid. Then, back to – yesterday, connection went down at 7:59p.m. (EST) and stayed down till somewhere around 8 the next morning.

Was able to get on this morning (been up all night, per my usual, even though I’m absolutely exhausted *sighs*) and take care of my 2 online games and update my Camelot Dreams areas. Now, just listening to some music, drinking coffee (which is making me tired – go figure) and waiting to go to sleep.

My serial killer research came to a stand still on my last round of connection woes, but I have a solid 26 pages of compiled notes. Ordered a few books from the Writers Digest Book Club, too – mostly on forensics, psychology and mystery/thriller writing help. Oh, they’re the books I was having problems getting, when I last updated a week ago, too. They must have been doing web site maintenance or something.

I still have to get my darn passport photo taken, so I can get the thing, too.

Just feeling kinda blah though – no energy to head out to get it done. Internal blah – I’m not sick or anything. Even Remi is acting a bit ‘Mommy concerned’ lately – like she suspects something is bugging me. Now, if she could only tell me what exactly it is!

I mean, I’m even having some problems with some PSP 7 tutorials. It’s stuff I’ve done before, but for some reason, the directions make absolutely no sense to me. So I quit, frustrated. Nerves just feel a bit jangley-jittery. And I’m loosing my temper a bit too easily. *sighs* And various horoscopes I’ve read said this is a highly productive (financially) time period for me. Maybe that’s why? Stress, pressure to perform (writing wise) and nothing happening. Guilt?

Hell’s bells. *sighs* Oh yeah, and in keeping with my effort at determination (relating to many different things, actually) I decided to try a new diet I read about, the cabbage soup diet. As it’stouted to flush toxins and fluid via the liver and kidneys, plus speed fat burning – I peed a lot, running to the bathroom at least once an hour. The soup is only 40 calories, so they claim you’ll loose 7-10 pounds the first week. I gained 3. *sighs* Like I said, hell’s bells.

K now, got a good start on paying this months bills and S sent a formal, written complaint/request for help to Covad, concerning all of my downtime. I mean, some might think the best bet would be for me to start being up and active online during the daytime, when the connection is spectacular – however, my daytime is S’s night time, and since he’s the one who owns the account, pays the bill, owns and maintains the servers – well, call me selfish, but I think he deserves to be able to access said items during his daytime. Don’t you?

So, now we wait to hear from Covad. And I still think it’s all connected back to BellSouth, since all of the connection problems began back when they (BellSouth) did their last ‘upgrade,’ back around June of 2003. And I can always count on my connection dieing during rain . . . and of course, every night between (roughly) 10p.m. through 10a.m. – minimum. *sighs* Which truly sucks, as that’s when S & and I are normally the most active online – and it’s unavailable to us.

Any-hoo, I just popped over to the Writer’s Digest Book Club to order some books, and all 5 books are marked ‘unavailable’ when I try to checkout! Grrr, I really wanted these books, but had to get a billing issue fixed before I could order them. Billing issue is now fixed, I’m suppose to have another 11 days available to purchase said books – but now I’m getting this darn ‘unavailable’ message! Darn it, I really wanted these books, too. . . .

Yesterday I mentioned what I thought of “DareDevil” so sealed it up to send back to NetFlix – no desire to watch it again. Well, nothing much on regular tv tonight, so figured I’d order a pizza and watch the silliness of “Bringing Down the House” one more time. Popped the dvd into the player and . . . whoa, wait a minute . . . this isn’t how the movie starts. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I sent the wrong movie back. Grrr – I mistakenly kept “DareDevil” and sent “Bringing Down the House” back – after only one viewing, and I had wanted to watch it once more before returning. So, I watched one of the new dvd’s (again, hehehe) that I bought yesterday, “S.W.A.T.” starring Samuel Jackson, Colin Farrell and LL Cool J. Damn good movie! It’s realistic, thrilling, non-stop action all the way. The special features were fascinating, as well, with a few of the real life SWAT members talking about their role as advisors on the set, how the actors would come over and ask them if they were moving correctly, etc. There was a section on the weaponry. One word – wow! I highly advise this movie to any fans of the old S.W.A.T. tv series, action fans, cop show fans, and . . . and . . . and . . . *grins* I think ya get my point.

Had a migraine yesterday – well, no, actually I think it was a muscle/tension headache, as none of my normal aura’s were present. Took a total of 6 Advil yesterday, and that’s really unusual for me. And I’ve had 2, today. *sighs* It’s my neck again, super stiff – causing me (more) problems falling asleep, sitting on couch to watch tv, read, knit – whatever. So, I’m not really here at my pc much either. And I’d like to get some more research done, and maybe even start writing. But I feel my neck getting tighter and tighter, just in the few minutes I’ve been here writing in my blogger. So, I’m off, again. *moans* Maybe I’ll go try a shower.

Oh yeah, happy new year, everyone. *chuckles* Honestly, I almost forgot – I spent new years eve watching 2 dvd’s, “DareDevil” (stupid movie) starring Ben Affleck (btw, the DareDevil character has many personality similarities to serial killers . . . just thought I’d share that *winks*) and “Bringing Down the House” starring Steve Martin, Queen Latifah and Eugene Levy – terrific movie, spent the evening laughing and absolutely loved the special feature on the Godfather of Hip-Hop who taught the movie choreographer some moves, U.G.-DUB, the Canadian Jew (hehehe, Eugene Levy rocks!)

I’ve been busy researching for a story. Actually, researching serial killers at the Crime Library; trying to get some insight into how they think, view the world, etc. Some who visit here on a regular basis, know about my fictional blog – Into the Depth, and know it’s supposedly written by a budding serial killer. Not much there, since I haven’t really been able to “get into” this characters head and write with any accuracy of any kind. Although, to date, I have 25 pages of research to go over, and I have found a few commonalities among select few serial killers – I still don’t feel I have gained any true insight. But then again, I guess I’m in the same company as every other living person – many guesses and speculations have been made, but no one is able to speak authoritively and say – this is why they are the way they are.

Commonalities include – the majority of the serial killers listed have normal to above normal intelligence, some listed at the lower end of genius level; the majority read and study psychology and are able to accurately portray symptoms of a more ‘sympathetic’ mental illness (schizophrenia seems to be the main one imitated); many seem to have sexual problems in normal relationships – viewing their killing spree as sexual freedom, of sorts, exhibiting their ‘power’ and ‘allure’ over their victims, only able to perform on their victim; some authorities view all serial killers to fall into the ‘sexual predator’ classification, even when no sex act is attempted on the victims (NOTE: I found that conclusion ‘strange,’ to put it mildly. I’m unsure how an act of total aggression with no sexual overtones can be viewed as sexually oriented, even by Freudian standards.

In the earliest stage of my research, I thought I had discovered one thing in common, a book titled “The Collector” by John Fowles, as the very first 2 serial killers I read about, both read and owned a copy of the book. I plan on purchasing the book, myself.

Jotted down some story ideas when this came spurting out of me: I heard my father yelling, “Go to bed this instant, young lady, or I will turn you over my knee and spank you.” I couldn’t help myself, I trembled as I looked around for some place to hide. I so wanted to see the end of this magical movie!

I slowly crept to the floor and slid under a chair. Just in time! My father entered the den, ready to deliver on his promise. I held my breath until he turned and walked back out of the room.

Too late, I realized my perfect hiding spot wasn’t so perfect. My father, now several feet down the hallway, turned back to the den one more time. From that distance, he was able to see me crouched under the chair; I’m sure my eyes must have been as wide as a deer’s in a headlight. I jumped and hit my head, salty tears burning my eyes, when he said, “Come here, now.”

I began to cry in earnest as I slowly slid from beneath the chair, sobbing, “No daddy, please, I’ll go to bed! I’m sorry daddy, I’ll go, please daddy.”

From the stern look on his face, I knew my pleas fell on deaf ears. I sobbed harder, each step placing me closer to the executioner.

Suddenly, a small, white tornado flashed down the stairs and through the hallway. Pizza, my pet Maltese, was coming to rescue her mistress. She threw her 5 pounds of fury against my fathers left ankle, snarling and biting. My jaw felt like it hit the floor. Pizza never bit anyone!

My father yelled in pain, shaking his foot and cursing at Pizza. As I watched her hanging on for dear life, I somehow heard her whisper, “Go now sweetie, I can’t hang on too much longer.” I nodded and raced past my father.

I reached the top of the stairs before I heard a thud, a yelp from Pizza, and then all was quiet. Crying, I climbed into my bed, certain I’d caused the death of my dog.

Not sure what I’ll do with it, yet. . . .